angela’s blog & all-purpose soapbox

I’ve been thinking about a remark recently regarding workplaces reining in Facebook usage, etc. I can certainly understand the concern about people wasting work time, but as for prohibiting social media use all together during work hours, I have a few observations/suggestions.

To begin, please understand that I am not at all trying to get on a high horse. I think my social media use (during any time of day) has been well within reason, but I would just like to lend another perspective, because broad policy changes like this do concern me. This exact topic came up at the diversity workshop that I attended recently, and several articles have been written about social media use in the workplace, so I just wanted to throw out some thoughts for consideration by the powers that be.

In my little office of four people, there are three age groups represented, so I was especially interested in the section on generational diversity during the recent workshop. We talked about a number of issues, such as how each age group typically likes to be recognized (the “retirement watch” vs. public recognition or non-material perks like time off). We gained an understanding of why the WWII  and Boomer generations have such a formal outlook on work attire (“live to work/work to live” and “work isn’t supposed to be fun”), while Gen-Xers and Millennials favor a more casual approach (“work/life balance”).

We also learned about how each group manages time and perceives technology …

Facebook, Twitter, etc. are like the watercooler conversations of yesteryear. Share the news; see what’s new; get back to work. In my humble opinion, they are akin to making a brief, personal phone call – certainly not to be abused but understood in the context that unless one is operating heavy machinery or tending to patients, an employee can still be productive without putting nose to the grind for nine strict hours a day with a 60-minute lunch break.

Researchers at The University of Melbourne released findings from a study this spring about Internet usage in the workplace. You can read the article here, but in brief, what they found was that leisure Internet browsing actually boosted productivity – provided it was carried out within reason.

Companies used to have (and I suppose some still do) two 15-minute breaks and a lunch break. Before my parents retired, they worked for the postal service, and they – literally – had to clock out and clock in for break times. Social media converts that break time into tiny increments, sprinkled throughout the day. In the past, a proud grandparent may have spent 10 minutes strolling the office hallways to show off wallet pictures of her grandbaby to co-workers. Now, she can spend two minutes uploading the same pictures to Facebook and share them with 75 friends at once.

Another interesting discovery is that Millennials (broadly defined as the under-30 set) are more likely to send an email or text message than they are to pick up the phone and call someone. They have been inundated with technology since birth, so it is just another means of communication to them.

I serve on the marketing committee for an academic/corporate relations group that I’ve been a part of for a few years now. One thing we’ve discussed recently is how to engage our members better through social media. The group has a presence on LinkedIn where we can share bulletin board discussions, pose questions of peers and stay connected with group-related news. I also “follow” 25 foundation-related Twitter accounts, which range from the Gates Foundation to the Council on Foundations to Philanthropy Journal. Some of the “tweets” pertain to national policy or press releases, but others are for new grant initiatives and trends. I have found this list to have just as valuable information as skimming the Chronicle of Philanthropy periodical – perhaps even more so, since the updates are done in real-time.

All this is to say: I just want to encourage folks to look at the underlying concern behind this discussion about Facebook, etc. Is the concern that employees will goof off on the job? If that is the rationale, then I’m afraid those employees will just as readily do a crossword puzzle in the morning paper, hang out in the break room or play Solitaire on their computer. Employees found plenty of ways to waste time long before social media – smoke breaks, taking the long route back from the mail room, unnecessarily long bathroom trips … any number of excuses. If, however, the underlying concern is something more along the lines of people saying inappropriate things via social media outlets during work hours, then that could be a separate personnel issue. To me, that falls more into the category of someone caught swearing in the hallway than it does social media, in particular.

For what it’s worth, that’s my $0.02 on the social media matter. I do respect the concern that people can spend too much time involved in social media, but I believe that reasonable usage amounts to no more than a coffee break. If someone is spending too much time online and it is hindering their work performance, then that is a personnel issue and not the fault of social media, in and of itself.

This morning in the car, we were listening to a song on the radio by MercyMe called “Bring the Rain.” One of the biggest blessings of being a parent is hearing my boys sing along to praise music. I sometimes imagine angels in the car with us, jamming along as we sing.This particular song, in case you aren’t familiar with it, is especially powerful to me because it talks about praising God even when we are in a deluge of pain and suffering.

At one point during the song, Ry caught a word and asked me, “What does ‘circumstance’ mean?” I explained that it means the stuff that is happening in your life – what’s going on right now around you. I told him that the song says we need to remember to thank God even when our circumstances – whatever is happening in our lives, make us feel sad or mad. God is still in control even when we don’t feel happy or when something happens that makes us feel sad.

As I tried to explain this big word to two inquisitive preschoolers, I thought about I Thessalonians 5:18, where the Bible says to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” It’s easier said than done sometimes.

If I’ve learned anything through the suffering that I have experienced in my life, it is that I exist for God’s pleasure, not the other way around. God is not a magic genie who grants wishes and assures me a life of luxury. If I can’t praise God when I’m broken and weary, then what good is my worship of him when life is swell and I feel on top of the world?

I’ve talked before about not having a death wish yet yearning for eternity. This life is not permanent. It’s not my final destination. I’m not even promised tomorrow. Happenstance can feel good and make me happy, or life can throw a curve ball and make me feel gloomy. Either way, my present circumstances cannot be my reason for being.

I hope this post doesn’t cross the line into the vulgar category, but I need to have a candid talk about boys’ plumbing. For no apparent reason other than he just darn well feels like it, Ri continues to pee on himself during the day. Granted, I understand that nighttime bedwetting can continue to be a problem at this age, and I accept that. He wears a pull-up at night, takes care of throwing it away in the morning if it’s wet, and life goes on pretty routinely. However, this daytime peeing on himself is about to drive me out of my ever-lovin’ mind.

I’m so tired of having to take extra sets of clothes to daycare and hearing his teachers tell me almost daily that he had another “accident.” Tell it like it is: it’s not an accident; he’s being belligerent. I’m tired of washing nasty pee-smelling pants and underwear. I thought we were done with diapers a couple of years ago when Ry finally got potty-trained.

As if there aren’t a hundred thousand other things to adjust to this year, this particular issue is grating on my last nerve. We’ve tried everything:

1) Bribery: incentives to stop wetting; a prize chart at home for staying dry for a week; special treats from his daycare teacher/Awana teacher/children’s minister. He never made it longer than four days, and usually no more than two.

2) Penalties: he has to carry his yucky clothes home and put them in the laundry room by himself (they go in the towels hamper since we don’t want to wash icky clothes with other people’s nice clothes); he’s had to put back on his crusty wet clothes and take a shower with them on; he’s gotten swats on his behind (corporal punishment – *gasp! – don’t freak out; your parents spanked you, and you turned out just fine); he’s had treats taken away (such as no desert or halloween candy when everyone else got a piece that night). Nothing worked; even though penalties are very effective for other infractions, punishment didn’t change his behavior in this regard any more effectively than the promise of a prize.

3) Ignoring it: we tried just not mentioning it at all and making him take care of remembering to bring extra clothes to daycare, but that didn’t work b/c they just called me at work to bring an extra set. They wouldn’t let him stay wet all afternoon, which is what I proposed.

4) The Big-boy plea: when he turned five, he promised me that he was a big boy now, and since only babies wet their pants, he would quit. Yeah, that lasted all of a day. We even put him back in pullups during the day for a couple of weeks, and the daycare asked us to put him back in underwear because he was being made fun of.

5) Medical fear: I flat-out asked him if his “peenie” was broken. He gasped and said NO. I said, “Well, does it pee all by itself? Does it sometimes pee when you don’t want it to?” He said no. I clarified, “Then, when you wet your pants, you must WANT to pee on yourself.” He huffed and folded his arms. I said, “Look, it’s one way or the other. Either you let your peenie pee all over you on purpose, or it pees on you and you can’t make it stop. I guess we’ll have to go to the doctor and find out if it’s broken.” He exclaimed, “It’s NOT broken!”

So, I walked him through his latest episode at daycare that day. Where was he when he wet his pants? In the classroom. Ok … isn’t there a bathroom in your classroom? Yes. Did you know that you had to go potty? Yes. What were you doing when you realized you had to go potty? Coloring at the table. Did you get up to go potty? No. So, you peed on yourself while you were sitting at the table? Yes.

That recap tells me that it’s not a medical issue; he’s just being a defiant little booger! I told him that he needed to see the doctor soon now that he had a birthday, anyway, so I am going to ask the doctor if something is wrong with his peenie. “Nothing’s wrong with it!” he pouted. “Ok, then, so stop peeing on yourself,” I replied. *sigh

One final option, similar to the “ignore it” technique that I read another parent tried – with success – is what I am going to call the laissez faire approach. I called him aside to talk to him privately tonight and told him that starting tomorrow, I. Don’t. Care. About. His. Pee. Anymore. I said that if he wants to pee all over himself and smell stinky and get laughed at and wear dirty clothes, then fine – he can do that. (He huffed again.) I said that if he has a good day and stays dry, then I’m not going to say Yea! or give him a high-five, because that’s what he’s SUPPOSED to do. I asked if he understood, then I repeated it again: I. Don’t. Care.

Call me mean, but all signals point to this being a cry for attention, and maybe by praising him for the good days, we’re just feeding the need for negative attention on the bad days. Now, I do understand and have read a bazillion different people say that kids often act out by wetting when they are grieving or have experienced trauma. That’s why we’ve tried so many different ways of handling this up till now. Now that insurance is squared away, we’re going to get the boys into counseling. We understand that as much chaos as we adults have experienced this year, the boys are going through their own form of grieving. I get that. I do.

But, at what point do we quit making excuses for his behavior and hold him accountable? He still has to put away his supper dish like everyone else. He still has to take a turn feeding the dogs. He still has to brush his teeth. He still has to hold hands in a parking lot. We don’t let him throw a hissy-fit when he wants someone else’s toy and brush it off as, “Oh, well, he’s grieving.” Why is the pee issue such a hush-hush, delicate subject?

This is my first birthday without Nathan. He would always send me a silly card, something along the lines of “I smile because you’re my sister; I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!” He would also call at some point during the day and sing to me. He usually opted for the “you look like a monkey and smell like one too” version of the Happy Birthday song.

Today, on my 35th birthday, I have been so blessed with dozens of friendly reminders on Facebook, emails, phone calls and friends just stopping by the office to wish me a happy day. I can’t help but feel a little sad that Nathan won’t be calling to serenade me, but others have gone out of their way to make today a joyful, relaxing, happy day. I can’t thank them enough!

I have a friend who makes a special phone call every year on her birthday – to her mother. She calls just to say, “Thanks for having me!” What a neat idea. Isn’t that what birthdays are about? It’s our reminder, once a year, to let someone know that we are glad they are in our lives. We are glad they exist.

Tonight, I think I will kick back and let my five precious blessings enjoy Stay-up-late-and-play-video-games Night and thank God for another year of existence on this Earth.

I attended a great workshop on diversity earlier this week. One of the subtopics was gender differences, and we spent some time talking about conversational rituals. I was fascinated by the research that has been done in this area.

Boys (>>men) have a tendency to oppose &/or challenge each other in a playful way or by playing devil’s advocate. As a mom of boys, I see first-hand the constant one-upping that they do! One of the videos made me laugh as it showed several boys talking about how high they could get something to fly in the sky, and each one was trying to think of something higher than the one before. Finally, one boy said, “Well, I can fly it all the way to God!” and all the little boys were in awe.

Girls (>>women), on the other hand, use conversation as a way to connect, to find similarities. They tend to look for ways in which they share things in common. They make more eye contact and use body language to demonstrate that they are paying attention.

One conversational ritual that girls tend to do has really opened my eyes these past few days. We make ritual apologies. I caught myself doing it about a dozen times yesterday! We say, “I’m sorry” for things that need no apology. It’s just a conversation smoother – another way to empathize with the person we’re talking to. If someone comes into my office to sit down and I have to move a few papers from the desk, I say I’m sorry.  It would have been appropriate to say simply, “Here, let me move these papers out of your way.” If someone is exiting the elevator as I’m getting on, I step aside and say I’m sorry instead of “pardon me” or nothing at all – just a polite smile.

The researcher noted that while we often don’t realize we’re saying “I’m sorry” as frequently as we are, other people pick up on our apologetic cues, and it could be detrimental to how people view us professionally. If we make a habit of saying “I’m sorry” for every little thing, then over time, other people could begin to see us as mousy and insecure, not as a leader or manager.

A few girlfriends and I have agreed to call each other on the carpet when one of us apologizes unnecessarily. Perhaps together, we can eliminate this potentially damaging ritual from our daily conversations.

We had an old-fashioned “pounding” for our music minister and his new bride after church today. Besides bringing pantry items and recipes to share with the happy couple, we also had a potluck lunch. Yum!

Everyone had a delightful time, so I’m not sure why I felt melancholy as the day went on; my heart was so heavy missing Nathan. Perhaps it was just the reminder of newlywed bliss, the fact that today is Nov. 1 or the thoughtfulness of our pastors for including our family in a special time of prayer at the end of church today … whatever it was, it dawned on me that my brother was supposed to be getting married this month — two weeks from yesterday, in fact.

I miss Lane, too, of course — but it doesn’t really seem like he’s been gone that long. After all, he just flew out yesterday. Besides, I have a date on the calendar when I know to expect him home. The way I miss Nathan is an unquenchable longing — knowing that no matter how much I ache to see him, I can’t – and I won’t, at least not this side of Glory.

The irony is that Nathan missed my wedding. He was involved in a serious roll-over accident and fractured his neck two nights before our wedding day. He was just released from ICU the morning of our ceremony. Instead of changing into our going-away clothes at the church, we went back to the house in our wedding garb so that he could see me in my gown.

I didn’t have expectations of actually being in the service at his wedding this fall, but I was so excited for him. I was thrilled about being there with him and congratulating him on finding me a sister-in-law who is extraordinary in every way.

Experiencing his birthday come and go in August was difficult, and celebrating his boys’ birthdays in July and October was bittersweet. In fact, we were talking about birthdays today. Riley just had his, and Ryan’s is coming up. Riley looked up at me and remarked: “Mine and Donovan’s Daddy missed our birthdays this year.” I leaned down to his eye level and nodded, then I said, “Who knows – maybe he and God had a birthday party for you in heaven!” I’m not sure that’s a theologically sound suggestion, but it made the five-year-old smile, and that was the objective. He grinned and nodded, then got up to go play.

It’s those moments of matter-of-fact observations that hit me in the gut like a sucker punch. I guess it’s just that seeing a date on my calendar right around the corner and realizing that I’m going to a football game instead of my baby brother’s wedding simply makes me sad.

Not long after the wedding that won’t be is Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then January. A year. God has given me strength to make it through each day, thus far; who am I to doubt that He’ll let me down now? Thank you, Lord, for the people in my life who have woven a safety net to catch me on the days when everything around me felt like I was free-falling.

… didn’t go up a hill, but they did come home with us! We welcomed this Brittany Spaniel sibling pair to our family last week, and they have been a joy.

Jack

Jill

They are brother & sister, about 11 months old. The boys are taking the added chores in stride. I think it helped that they already had a daily chart for other chores, such as laundry sorting, trash day and setting/cleaning up at dinnertime.

Getting the boys to exercise has never been a big deal, because they are active kids who like to run around outside. Brittany Spaniels need plenty of exercise, so it’s a good match. Jack & Jill also like to snuggle and be scratched, and it’s nice to sit out on the patio and give them some lovin’.

I am by no means an expert, but my personal life challenges the past few years have given me a new perspective on how to offer help to someone. I’m still learning how to ASK for help, but I suppose that’s another post – one that delves into my pride and independent streak, so we’ll address that some other time.

I believe that people mean well, and they want to help; they just aren’t always sure how. Whether your friend in need is experiencing health problems, has had a death in the family, is flying solo as a parent or going through a variety of other trials, please allow me to make some suggestions on how to offer help.

Saying, “I’m here for you” or “Let me know if you need anything” are sweet sentiments, and please – don’t get me wrong – they mean a lot to the hearer. Unfortunately, they are also very vague. As the hearer, it’s hard to tell sometimes if the remark is akin to, “How are you?” instead of hello, when you know that they don’t really want to know the honest answer.

Instead, feel free to express your sympathy but also try to offer a specific way that you can assist. Your offer doesn’t have to be expensive or cost anything, at all! Acts of service can go a long way to preserving someone’s sanity during a trying time. Making a specific suggestion also helps the recipient not feel like such a moocher by having to ask for help, because you’ve already extended the offer.

Here are some suggestions that you might like to try:

Food: Everyone has to eat, and we Southerners are great at providing bereavement meals, meals for new mothers and post-hospitalization. However, what about the week after the funeral or a month after the baby has arrived? What about seven months into a deployment?

You don’t necessarily need to take a casserole to the family, but perhaps you could call and offer to pick up a few items at the grocery store. If you are concerned about whether they might think of your shopping offer as a gift or not, you could politely say to the person: “Of course I don’t mind picking up a few things for you; I was headed to the store, anyway. I’ll save the receipt so you’ll know how much the cost is.” The recipient should certainly offer to pay, but a comment like that should be a pretty clear hint that you do need to be paid back.

There were days during Lane’s first deployment when I just needed to run to the store for milk or a few small items, but it was late and I didn’t want to load up the kids. I could have called someone and asked them to swing by the store for me, but it would have felt terribly awkward (*note previous remark about how I’m working on this!) to ask for someone to run an errand for me.

One of the coolest offers I’ve ever received is from a friend who hunts. She knows that we aren’t hunters, but she suggested that I could pay for processing if they have any extra deer or hogs. What a great idea, and fewer trips to the grocery store for meat!

Companionship: If your friend has kids, you may not feel comfortable offering to babysit (believe me – with five boys, I can relate). However, perhaps you know that on Monday nights, the local pizza joint has kids’ meal specials. You could call your friend over the weekend and plan ahead to meet up at the pizza restaurant with your family. I can only speak from my own experience, but I very seldom ate out when Lane was gone. There’s just the feeling of being out of place, not to mention the odd looks from people for walking into a restaurant solo with several kids in tow. Or, offer to meet at a park on a Sunday after church and pitch in to bring a picnic lunch together. Let the kids run off some energy and let your friend have some much-needed downtime.

Alone time: Speaking of which, downtime is so important. I’ve learned the hard way that you can only function at peak stress for so long before it begins to affect you physically. Your concentration & memory are diminished, you are more susceptible to illness and your sleep patterns can be disrupted. You might offer to babysit a friend’s child(ren) or make a recommendation to a free or low-cost Parents’ Night Out at your church, etc. It’s amazing how sometimes when you are in the throws of a difficult situation, you want so badly to take a break, but you are in drone mode and just can’t get your head above water long enough to take a gasp of air.

One of the kindest offers of this sort that I have received was when my oldest two boys’ karate teacher offered to have them over for a movie one Saturday morning, then take them over to the school so they could help him tidy up the building. They had a blast, and they got to help him, too! Just having two kids gone for a few hours was a huge relief, and they felt very special for being invited. I have been truly blessed over the years with babysitters who have gone out of their way to support our family, and I can’t thank them enough.

Around the house: This is a tough one, because one’s home is a point of pride, and it’s hard to admit when you are falling down on the job. Maybe your friend has some hedges that need clipping, so you give your husband props for being such a manly-man and suggest that he go over and trim your friend’s hedges for her. Bonus brownie points if he mows the yard! lol! If you are close friends, you may just flat-out offer to come over and help clean house. Or, if you are handy with tools or have a mechanically-inclined spouse, you could jot your friend an email or call her and ask if there are any small repairs that she needs. For example, I can change a tire and use a circular saw with no problem, but I would probably go all year with a burned-out porch light because I’m afraid to climb the tall ladder to replace it!

Encouragement: Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is let them know that they aren’t alone. I have a stash in my file drawer at work of encouraging notes and cards that people have sent me over the years. I don’t keep everything like a pack rat, but some sentiments are so nice to re-read and appreciate all over again. Just tonight, I got an email from a friend who said that she admires me. Wow! That ego boost felt so good, especially on a day when I don’t feel very admirable; on the contrary, l cried off all my make-up, my hair has been frazzled all day, and I spoke snippy to someone … ok, two someones. Just knowing that a) I’m not crazy, and b) someone cares makes a big difference.

Those are some of my ideas & experiences … What are some ways that you have been helped in the past, or how have you helped someone? Feel free to comment and share your great ideas!

Nine months. It is natural to think of time in terms of years, but once you become a parent, it seems that nine-month increments take on new meaning. In that span of time, new life is created, nurtured, celebrated and born.

Since Nathan died, I am keenly aware of this day each month. A cloud of melancholy drifts overhead on the 23^rd. Later this evening, it’ll dawn on me again, and I’ll have flash-backs of zoning out in the car while Lane drove us to Magnolia that dark and cold night.

Much has changed, yet much remains frozen in time in my memory. Nine months. Babies have been conceived and born since my brother died.

It’s hard for me to talk about my heavenly desire sometimes, even with other Christians, because we get caught up in our day-to-day ruts and don’t think much further than our Outlook calendars. Yet, there is a piece of my heart and soul that aches so much – today, especially – to step into Forever.

We have been given a promise that life doesn’t end with our last breath. As believers, this day-to-day journey of flesh & blood is just a dress rehearsal for the Eternal Broadway. This achy, tired, stretch-marked, overweight, sagging body is a costume. Like the grass metaphor in the verse below, our season here on Earth is limited, but oh, the glory that awaits us!

^“You have been born again, and this new life did not come from something that dies, but from something that cannot die. You were born again through God’s living message that continues forever. The Scripture says,
‘All people are like the grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
The grass dies and the flowers fall,
but the word of the Lord will live forever.’ [— Isaiah 40:6–8 ]
And this is the word that was preached to you.”

1 Peter 1:23-25 (New Century Version)

I knew that having three boys would mean big appetites as they got older. I also knew that adding two more boys would mean even more to cook as time went on. However, I don’t think I realized just HOW MUCH five boys ages 10 & under could pack away in one meal!

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for their Tuesday wing special last night. Yum!! It is our favorite restaurant, for several reasons:

• It’s casual;
• It’s loud;
• There are any number of sporting events on TV, no matter which way you are facing;
• The kids’ menus have several pages of puzzles to play and pictures to color to keep the boys occupied while waiting for the food;
• They have good happy hour specials (heh); and,
• The food is awesome.

By the time the last finger was licked, those boys had eaten 40 wings, a basket of buffalo chips (round french fries) and a basket of onion rings! Aidan’s record is 18 wings, but I think he stopped at 9 or 10 last night. A friend suggested that boys have hollow legs, and I’m beginning to lean toward that theory. I should have brought my camera and taken pictures of their saucy faces!

It was a lot of fun, but those appetites sure do add up when the bill arrives, so we don’t eat out very often anymore. It’s fun to get out of the house (and kitchen!) now & then, though.

On the way to meet Dad at the restaurant, the boys and I made a special stop, which I’ll elaborate more on in a post later this week. It’s a secret until then!   While we were there, I got one of the highest compliments that could be paid to a parent. A lady approached me in the lobby and said, “Your kids are so well behaved; I had no idea you had five with you! And all boys!” I thanked her and said that I really needed to hear that! How sweet of her to say something.